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The following article appeared in the February/March issue of Northwest Woman.
Demystifying the Dating Scene
As a seasoned adult it can be daunting to venture out into the dating scene knowing that your last experience was in the Camelot Era. Just as a meandering creek changes the landscape of its creek bed over time, one soon discovers that there have been some dramatic changes in the dating terrain while you were busy creating other life experiences. Clearly it is a new day and can be a fantastic adventure if approached from that perspective.
According to the statisticians there are 110 million adult singles in the United States. In light of those statistics, it is important to keep in mind that as card carrying members of the Scar Clan, life has morphed us into richer human beings with tools and insights that make us well equipped in the Quest of a loving relationship.
Cast aside any notion to become a slave to the tyranny of "Rules" - the shoulds - that hamstring spontaneity and the magic of serendipity. Embrace instead the wisdom of knowing that an archeological dig to unearth the treasure of who you are today will be the bridge to the end result: drawing that desired partner to you.
People who find dating perplexing and bewildering lack clarity around who they are themselves and what exactly they want. Authentic introspection is the key since mature dating involves questioning deeper matters prior to taking any action steps. Here are some probing questions to help make smooth the journey:
- What bores you? What always bores you, and what never bores you?
- In order, what are your three strongest interests?
- Do you think of yourself as an emotionally healthy person?
In what ways are you especially healthy, and in what ways could
you use improvement?
(from Date…or Soul Mate by Neil Clark Warren, Ph.D.)
Deal Maker/Deal Breaker lists are a must helping to define the attributes (avoid physical requirements) that best align with your interests and beliefs and the way you present yourself to the world. Take care to keep them short enough so that the entire other gender isn't eliminated! If you meet someone whom you enjoy yet, their Deal Breaker habit is glaring, don't rationalize it away. Apply this surefire test: does this person (place or thing) enhance or diminish me?
Inevitably the "R" word - Rejection will enter the scene. Not to worry, just reframe it by telling yourself it is a gift, you just weren't a fit - NEXT! Staring longingly at a closed door is a waste of precious time; as the sages say, keep on keeping on. Operate out of a sense of abundance, not scarcity. Go for volume.
Many opinions abound around the best approach to dating and one stands out among the rest: Angeles Arrien's The Four Fold Way. It emphasizes four major principles that integrate ancient cultural wisdom into contemporary life:
1. Show Up ... be in the moment, open and receptive to the other person.
2. Pay Attention to what has heart and meaning for YOU.
3. Speak the Truth for YOU, without blame or judgment.
4. Let Go of the Outcome, your agenda and allowing a space for magic to happen.
Remember ... "Love has its own time, its own season, and its own reasons for coming and going. You cannot bribe or coerce it or reason it into staying. If it chooses to leave, from your heart or from the heart of your lover, there is nothing you should do. Be glad that it came to live for a moment in your life. If you keep your heart open, it will surely come again."
~ Kathleen Lamanna is a Relationship Coach offering Seasoned & Single Seminars in the area.
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